Movie theatre etiquette

There is no doubt about it: I have bad movie theatre karma. How else can I explain the fact that just about every single time I go to see something, I am always surrounded by inconsiderate, noisy morons doing their utmost to destroy the experience for me?

Or has it simply come to this: The breakdown of western civilization has now proceeded to the level where nothing – not even the Holy Code of Movie Watching – is sacred anymore?

I think we need a campaign for public awareness, or, preferably, a law that would make it legal to shoot annoying moviegoers on the spot (using silencers, so as not to disturb more than necessary). We should call it the ”Patriotic No Movie Left Behind Act”.

Some basic rules for those who wish to survive sitting through a movie with me after the law has been passed:

1) As soon as the lights dim, you will cease to talk in your outdoor voice. Failure to oblige will result in verbal scorn, while repeat offenders will be subjected to heavy smacking around the ears with a rolled-up newspaper.

2) As soon as the commercials are over and the previews commence, you will cease talking altogether. Failure to comply will result in a blunt object connecting with your empty skull with potentially boneshattering force.

3) During the movie you may NOT make any sound, except as a natural reaction to what’s going on in the actual movie. Thus, you may laugh at jokes, gasp at surprises, drool over anything involving Hale Berry and throw popcorn at the screen when Ben Affleck is on. In fact, you should commit suicide (quietly) upon realizing you’ve chosen to watch a movie with Ben Affleck in it (and don’t you think he should be legally required to change his name to Allfeck? I certainly do!)

4) Cell phones are evil things at the best of times, and quite unacceptable in a movie theater. If your phone rings during a movie, I will dispose of both you and the phone in a violent (but quiet) manner of my choosing. This includes you morons who think that texting is ok because it’s silent. Sorry to shatter your illusions, but in a dark room your phone display stands out like a moment of good acting from Ben Allfeck. Therefore, you too must die.

5) Unreasonable reactions to the movie might also get you killed. To give you an example: Loud shouts and applause every time your native country is mentioned in a movie is rude and stupid. This happened to me when I saw "Alexander"... a bunch of Iranians were hollering every time "Persia" was mentioned. It was bloody annoying and I was starting to feel somewhat sympathetic towards the ayatollahs. I remember thinking at the time that if their country was so fucking great to begin with, they ought to be living in it right now, instead of trying to ruin the movie for the native inhabitants of the country they chose to flee to. Enjoy the thumbscrews and the hot irons, assholes!

6) If you choose to enter a row from the opposite side of your actual seat, do not be surprised if the rest of us take matters into our own hands (feet) and stomp you to death.

7) If you attempt to enter my row after the movie has begun, I will snap your spine like a dry branch (but with less noise).

8) You will WASH before going to the theatre. Human beings have five senses, and bad smell can be every bit as annoying as noise and light.

9) You will limit all accessories and gear to the geographical confines of your seat and NOT spill over onto any of my space. Theatre seats are usually cramped enough as it is without you trying to fit in your groceries, wardrobe and god knows what else in addition. I will claim the right to shove any overspilling object into the offender's natural body opening of my choosing.

10) If you insist on bringing children to the theatre, CONTROL them. I don’t care how old they are – if they fuck up my movie, they will PAY. And you with them.

11) Enjoy the show.