Iffin yer in Cornwall, whatever else you do, DO NOT EAT at The Longboat in Penzance. Their lasagne is lumpy and bland, one of the two bartenders stinks of stale sweat and the other has a voice so nasal it is all I can do to keep from rearranging his nose with my bare hands.
This has been a public service announcement. We now return to our scheduled programming of lame jokes and bad photos. Thank you.
Showing posts with label bad taste. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bad taste. Show all posts
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
I made another doo doo!
My blog "Ask a Norwegian" is now available as an e-book at Amazon Kindle. (You can download a Kindle for PC for free at Amazon. Also, for Iphone, Ipads, Blackberry, Android.)
For Americans it costs $10, for others $13.80: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0059XPVIO
For UK citizens the price is converted from $ (I'm not from the UK so I can't actually SEE their price): https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0059XPVIO
For assorted Eurotrash it costs less than 8 Euro, you can buy it from German Amazon: https://www.amazon.de/dp/B0059XPVIO
Below is the product description, written by yours truly. If you're still not convinced, pop over to http://www.askanorwegian.blogspot.com and read some stuff for free... then go over to Amazon and make me rich!
Yours greedily,
Ghost
Product Description
Originally a blog, now in book form comes the legendary* tales of the cold lands of the north! All the questions about Norway and Norwegians you never knew you wanted answered!** This book will not only enlighten you about Norway, but also insult quite a few other nationalities, species and sexes in addition.
Why are Norwegians so restrained, and are they really rude? What should you eat in Norway or see in Oslo? What is the most common pet? And are Swedes actually human? The answer to these and many more questions are found in this book.
Excerpts:
"There's ample opportunity for bathing, though I've never tested the waters myself for fear of getting harpooned."
"The Danes are generally drunk out of their minds, the Swedes are incapable of feeling emotions and most Norwegians just don't care about you, because we know we're better than you are."
"...today's Bergensians: The bastard offspring of horny, drunken Krauts and Norwegian prostitutes."
"The most common animals are cats, dogs and Swedes ... for disciplining domesticated Swedes, I recommend a rolled up newspaper or a Colt .45, depending on the transgression."
"Because, no matter how hard we've partied, no matter how much we puked (and on whom), no matter how big of an ass we made of ourselves we can always take comfort in this: At least we're not Germans."
"Cabins should have no water or electricity, in fact as few modern conveniences as possible. This is to ensure that the first several hours of any visit will, by necessity, be spent chopping wood and/or pumping water manually into buckets or containers, or carried up steep slopes from the nearest lake or river - which may be a mile's walk or more."
"Ours is an unappetizing hodgepodge of something that looks like it has already been vomited and redigested at least twice, and from the looks of it, the chief ingredients are corn (maize), sour cream and rat."
"Norway is a Lutheran country and until a relatively short time ago, most Norwegians never had sex, we reproduced through cell division or Immaculate Conception."
"Norway, like Sweden has a long tradition for bestiality..."
"...men are from Earth and women from Venus, or some other planet where the weather is permanently foggy and so communication is always fraught with dangers."
* Almost unknown.
** Well, some of them.***
*** Only a few, really.
For Americans it costs $10, for others $13.80: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0059XPVIO
For UK citizens the price is converted from $ (I'm not from the UK so I can't actually SEE their price): https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0059XPVIO
For assorted Eurotrash it costs less than 8 Euro, you can buy it from German Amazon: https://www.amazon.de/dp/B0059XPVIO
Below is the product description, written by yours truly. If you're still not convinced, pop over to http://www.askanorwegian.blogspot.com and read some stuff for free... then go over to Amazon and make me rich!
Yours greedily,
Ghost
Product Description
Originally a blog, now in book form comes the legendary* tales of the cold lands of the north! All the questions about Norway and Norwegians you never knew you wanted answered!** This book will not only enlighten you about Norway, but also insult quite a few other nationalities, species and sexes in addition.
Why are Norwegians so restrained, and are they really rude? What should you eat in Norway or see in Oslo? What is the most common pet? And are Swedes actually human? The answer to these and many more questions are found in this book.
Excerpts:
"There's ample opportunity for bathing, though I've never tested the waters myself for fear of getting harpooned."
"The Danes are generally drunk out of their minds, the Swedes are incapable of feeling emotions and most Norwegians just don't care about you, because we know we're better than you are."
"...today's Bergensians: The bastard offspring of horny, drunken Krauts and Norwegian prostitutes."
"The most common animals are cats, dogs and Swedes ... for disciplining domesticated Swedes, I recommend a rolled up newspaper or a Colt .45, depending on the transgression."
"Because, no matter how hard we've partied, no matter how much we puked (and on whom), no matter how big of an ass we made of ourselves we can always take comfort in this: At least we're not Germans."
"Cabins should have no water or electricity, in fact as few modern conveniences as possible. This is to ensure that the first several hours of any visit will, by necessity, be spent chopping wood and/or pumping water manually into buckets or containers, or carried up steep slopes from the nearest lake or river - which may be a mile's walk or more."
"Ours is an unappetizing hodgepodge of something that looks like it has already been vomited and redigested at least twice, and from the looks of it, the chief ingredients are corn (maize), sour cream and rat."
"Norway is a Lutheran country and until a relatively short time ago, most Norwegians never had sex, we reproduced through cell division or Immaculate Conception."
"Norway, like Sweden has a long tradition for bestiality..."
"...men are from Earth and women from Venus, or some other planet where the weather is permanently foggy and so communication is always fraught with dangers."
* Almost unknown.
** Well, some of them.***
*** Only a few, really.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
I made doo doo (also known as a poem)!
I dunno iffin you've heard of this, but American children's book author Adam Mansbach has gone and written a funny little thing called "Go the fuck to sleep." 'tis about 15 short verses long, with illustrations, and let me tell you, the audiobook, narrated by Samuel L. Jackson is hilarious.
Anyways, as ya'll know there's nothing I desire more than tons of money in exchange for minimal work, so I've gone and written my own version, called "Eat your fucking food." I have uploaded it as an e-book at Amazon Kindle in the US, where it costs $1.99 for yanks and $3.99 for Norwegians and heaven knows how much for others, I guess it all depends on where you're browsing from.
Most Norwegians would probably like to order it (I know I am blatantly assuming that most Norwegians would, in fact, want to order it at all) from the German version of Amazon, where it'll set you back €1.60 - sumfin' like NOK 13. As far as I can tell the Kraut version caters to most of the rest of the European market as well. Iffin yer in Engerland or Scotland, the book is also avaliable at the UK Amazon at a converted rate, but only for UK customers. Splendid isolation my ass.
It's 17 stanzas of foul-mouthed fun. Every single stanza contains one end rhyme (legal guarantee!) and it even has two more stanzas than "Go the fuck to sleep" so that's 13% more content. No pretty drawings though, but you prolly wouldn't be able to see them very well on a kindle anyways. Or so I hope.
The book is made of 100% recycled electrons, so you purchasing this book will allow one rare, multicolored frog in the rainforests of Cameroon to live appx. five minutes longer than it otherwise would have. So go ahead and buy, buy, buy! Think of it as buying yer old (or new, as the case may be) pal a cup of coffee - or, knowing me, hot chocolate and a small apple tart on the side. With cream. Anyways, when I'm rich and famous I'll buy you one back, pwomise! (Not a legal guarantee!)
Anyways, as ya'll know there's nothing I desire more than tons of money in exchange for minimal work, so I've gone and written my own version, called "Eat your fucking food." I have uploaded it as an e-book at Amazon Kindle in the US, where it costs $1.99 for yanks and $3.99 for Norwegians and heaven knows how much for others, I guess it all depends on where you're browsing from.
Most Norwegians would probably like to order it (I know I am blatantly assuming that most Norwegians would, in fact, want to order it at all) from the German version of Amazon, where it'll set you back €1.60 - sumfin' like NOK 13. As far as I can tell the Kraut version caters to most of the rest of the European market as well. Iffin yer in Engerland or Scotland, the book is also avaliable at the UK Amazon at a converted rate, but only for UK customers. Splendid isolation my ass.
It's 17 stanzas of foul-mouthed fun. Every single stanza contains one end rhyme (legal guarantee!) and it even has two more stanzas than "Go the fuck to sleep" so that's 13% more content. No pretty drawings though, but you prolly wouldn't be able to see them very well on a kindle anyways. Or so I hope.
The book is made of 100% recycled electrons, so you purchasing this book will allow one rare, multicolored frog in the rainforests of Cameroon to live appx. five minutes longer than it otherwise would have. So go ahead and buy, buy, buy! Think of it as buying yer old (or new, as the case may be) pal a cup of coffee - or, knowing me, hot chocolate and a small apple tart on the side. With cream. Anyways, when I'm rich and famous I'll buy you one back, pwomise! (Not a legal guarantee!)
Monday, April 25, 2011
Captions - The Donald Edition
Here we have his supremeness The Donald, together with another supremo - douchbag de luxe Bill O'Reilly. I don't know which one hurts the Right the most, but they both "need killin'" as they say in the south.
"...and that, my liege is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped..."
"It's all in the hair, you see... my superpowers, my good looks, my wealth!"
"...and THAT'S why I was for socialized healthcare before I was against it..."
"Obama was born in Kenya, my hair told me so!"
"...and that, my liege is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped..."
"It's all in the hair, you see... my superpowers, my good looks, my wealth!"
"...and THAT'S why I was for socialized healthcare before I was against it..."
"Obama was born in Kenya, my hair told me so!"
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Frogs
You know the drill.
This is a picture of:
a) Two frogs bonking
b) Two frenchies bonking
c) What the frenchies call "un petit snack"
d) All of the above
This is a picture of:
a) Two frogs bonking
b) Two frenchies bonking
c) What the frenchies call "un petit snack"
d) All of the above
Sunday, March 20, 2011
One more, for the hell of it
Since I can:
This picture is:
A) Al Gore's worst nightmare come true...
B) Al Gore's wet dream come true...
C) A remarkable resemblance of Al Gore taking a dip...
D) All of the above...
This picture is:
A) Al Gore's worst nightmare come true...
B) Al Gore's wet dream come true...
C) A remarkable resemblance of Al Gore taking a dip...
D) All of the above...
Contest - Polar bear edition
It's time for another contest. Ya'll know how this works...
This is a picture of:
A) A rug.
B) A dead polar bear.
C) A fat, mean killing machine (dead).
D) All of the above.
This is a picture of:
A) A rug.
B) A dead polar bear.
C) A fat, mean killing machine (dead).
D) All of the above.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Stand up if you hate Man U
Today we're back with our regular four options again...
In this picture, Sir Alex Ferguson is:
a) Showing Wayne Rooney how many brain cells Wayne's got...
b) Showing Wayne Rooney how long Wayne's penis is...
c) Trying to hypnotize Wayne Rooney into becoming an intelligent football player...
d) All of the above...
In this picture, Sir Alex Ferguson is:
a) Showing Wayne Rooney how many brain cells Wayne's got...
b) Showing Wayne Rooney how long Wayne's penis is...
c) Trying to hypnotize Wayne Rooney into becoming an intelligent football player...
d) All of the above...
Monday, February 28, 2011
Captions - Oscar edition
Last night saw (reputedly, as I wouldn't be caught dead watching it) the worst Academy Awards show in the history of the world. So at least you can have a lil' fun with it NOW.
The people in this picture are:
a) Apologizing to the audience for fucking up their night
b) Surrendering to the fashion police
c) Doing their own version of the famous "gallic shrug"
d) Who gives a fuck?
The people in this picture are:
a) Apologizing to the audience for fucking up their night
b) Surrendering to the fashion police
c) Doing their own version of the famous "gallic shrug"
d) Who gives a fuck?
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Vive la Republique!
The person in the middle of this photo looks like...:
a) a living indictment of public dental care
b) he's drunk out of his mind
c) king Harald V of Norway
d) all of the above
a) a living indictment of public dental care
b) he's drunk out of his mind
c) king Harald V of Norway
d) all of the above
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Lindsay Lohan captions!
The pics just keep poppin up... this time it's Lindsay Lohan, here portrayed in a court of law in Los Angeles. Suggested captions:
"Why Yes, your Honor! I am a thieving slut with a drug problem!"
"Watch me now, as I use this microphone for a penis substitute..."
"A little more cleavage? Certainly, Sir!"
"Man, I'm so stoned, EVERYTHING is funny..."
And of course:
"I just called to say... I loooove youuuuu"
"Why Yes, your Honor! I am a thieving slut with a drug problem!"
"Watch me now, as I use this microphone for a penis substitute..."
"A little more cleavage? Certainly, Sir!"
"Man, I'm so stoned, EVERYTHING is funny..."
And of course:
"I just called to say... I loooove youuuuu"
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Khadafi captions
The pictures just keep on coming - or maybe I'm just more evil minded. Anyway, some suggested captions for this picture:
"...and tell the tailor to adjust the sleeves on this uniform..."
"The future's so bright I gotta wear shades"
"And the prize for best male supporting actor goes to..."
"Simon says... stand up!"
"I hereby declare the Tripoli Walmart opened"
And you just KNOW this is going to be a regular from now on...
"I just caaaalled to saaaaay... I loooove youuuuuu..."
"...and tell the tailor to adjust the sleeves on this uniform..."
"The future's so bright I gotta wear shades"
"And the prize for best male supporting actor goes to..."
"Simon says... stand up!"
"I hereby declare the Tripoli Walmart opened"
And you just KNOW this is going to be a regular from now on...
"I just caaaalled to saaaaay... I loooove youuuuuu..."
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Oh yes!
Finally, JUSTICE: "Man shot dead for eating popcorn too loudly during Black Swan". For further reading, I refer to my previous post Movie Theatre Etiquette.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Captions! Italian version!
One might argue that modesty forbids one to venture guesses as to what Mr Berlusconi is saying (and, more importantly DOING) in this picture, but modesty was never my strong suit. So here goes!
"But I wanna be prime ministeeeeeeeeeer! Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
"I farted!
"Angela Merkel naked! My eyes! I'm blind!"
"Why does it hurt when I peeeeeee!
"If I close my eyes and pretend to sleep, maybe the sex scandal will go away!"
And just for the hell of it:
"I just called to saaaaayyyyy I loooove youuuuuu"
"But I wanna be prime ministeeeeeeeeeer! Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
"I farted!
"Angela Merkel naked! My eyes! I'm blind!"
"Why does it hurt when I peeeeeee!
"If I close my eyes and pretend to sleep, maybe the sex scandal will go away!"
And just for the hell of it:
"I just called to saaaaayyyyy I loooove youuuuuu"
Thursday, February 17, 2011
More caption contests!
Ya'll know how to play this by now...
This person bears a striking resemblance to:
a) A deer in headlights
b) The straight-A student you always wanted to punch in the teeth back in high school
c) President Obama's new press secretary, Jay Carney
d) All of the above
This person bears a striking resemblance to:
a) A deer in headlights
b) The straight-A student you always wanted to punch in the teeth back in high school
c) President Obama's new press secretary, Jay Carney
d) All of the above
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
More Mubarak captions!
"I see dead people!"
"Who farted?"
And two Norwegian ones... apologies to my foreign readers, but this won't make sense except in a Norwegian context:
"Pompel?" "Piiilt!"
"Dansar som robotar"
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
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