As an addendum to his crazy Thailand trip, let me close with this message from my lucky slob of a brother after he'd landed in Oslo:
Monday Jan 29, 2:09PM:
Wow. It's cold in just flipflops and a Hawaiian shirt here at the airport.
Idea for use of the petroleum fund: Norway buys Thailand and moves there.
All of us.
Before the weekend.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
The last messages from Thailand
Sunday January 28, 08:46AM:
Well you can sit there and bitch & complain about -13 degrees (=8F), but we've been waiting for almost TEN minutes now to get our drinks and lobsters delivered to the pool. So nobody here feels THAT sorry for you.
Sunday January 28, 12:31PM:
Well, well... it's all over for now, hope you've enjoyed the travel reports. One last story: When we checked out of the hotel, I was mysteriously refered to as "Mister Beyond" on the bill. I wondered about this until our local Norwegian contact, named Bjørn-Tore, came to pick us up and was greeted thusly by the receptionist: "Hello Mistel Beyond-Tole!".
Well you can sit there and bitch & complain about -13 degrees (=8F), but we've been waiting for almost TEN minutes now to get our drinks and lobsters delivered to the pool. So nobody here feels THAT sorry for you.
Sunday January 28, 12:31PM:
Well, well... it's all over for now, hope you've enjoyed the travel reports. One last story: When we checked out of the hotel, I was mysteriously refered to as "Mister Beyond" on the bill. I wondered about this until our local Norwegian contact, named Bjørn-Tore, came to pick us up and was greeted thusly by the receptionist: "Hello Mistel Beyond-Tole!".
Yet more from Thailand
Saturday Jan 27, 10:03AM:
God damn! The last thing I remember was some Thai construction boss yelling "Coyote Ugly gleat movie" while ordering eight 16-year old girls in mini-skirts up on the stage.
Warm whiskey by the gallon. My psycho driver apparently drove us home. Drunk. They found him sleeping behind the wheel, out in a field.
Afraid, now. Hope I'm not married.
Saturday Jan 27, 11:49AM:
"No dogpets or sea animals allowed in room".
Damn it! I don't know who got caught with a walrus, two poodles and a penguin, causing the hotel to put up this sign - but I bet he was German!
God damn! The last thing I remember was some Thai construction boss yelling "Coyote Ugly gleat movie" while ordering eight 16-year old girls in mini-skirts up on the stage.
Warm whiskey by the gallon. My psycho driver apparently drove us home. Drunk. They found him sleeping behind the wheel, out in a field.
Afraid, now. Hope I'm not married.
Saturday Jan 27, 11:49AM:
"No dogpets or sea animals allowed in room".
Damn it! I don't know who got caught with a walrus, two poodles and a penguin, causing the hotel to put up this sign - but I bet he was German!
Saturday, January 27, 2007
More texts from Thailand
Some new text messages from my lucky slob of a brother in Thailand:
Friday Jan 26, 4:16PM:
Drunk, now.
Thai-party in the countryside.
Down here, nobody knows you're not supposed to eat the yellow snow.
Strange to think about.
*hiccup*
Friday Jan 26, 5:27PM:
Uh-oh. Outdoors party in the countryside.
Have just performed for 300 Thais... "Hotel California" with a band.
Received marriage offers from five women and two men.
Afraid now. Very afraid.
Friday Jan 26, 4:16PM:
Drunk, now.
Thai-party in the countryside.
Down here, nobody knows you're not supposed to eat the yellow snow.
Strange to think about.
*hiccup*
Friday Jan 26, 5:27PM:
Uh-oh. Outdoors party in the countryside.
Have just performed for 300 Thais... "Hotel California" with a band.
Received marriage offers from five women and two men.
Afraid now. Very afraid.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Taxi Dlivel
My lucky slob of a brother has landed himself a plum photo assignment, and is currently in Thailand on a week of all-expenses-paid fun in the sun. Here is a quick sampling of some of the text messages I've received this week, slightly edited for you poor, wretched non-Norwegians out there:
Tuesday Jan 23, 05:54AM:
Wow. Thais are lazy, it seems. They take the moped just to cross the street. And the guy who's trying to drive me around in Hua Hin can't even be bothered to use the indicator, much less break. Or turn. I think he may have lost the will to live actually. But the weather's nice.
Wednesday Jan 24, 11:17AM:
Driving a car again, now. Cheerful driver. He's looking forward to his confirmation. Wishes for a driver's license. He weighs at least a hundred pounds, including gold tooth, pencil mustache and white stick. He drives just like we do back in Norway - while the rest of Thailand drives on the left. Great. I'll probably have to threaten him with sex to make him stop. Wish me luck.
Wednesday Jan 24, 6:54PM:
"Kontli looooooooads, teke hoooooooooam
Tuvi paaaaaaace, ah bijooooooooooooooam"
So THAT'S how the song went... Clever, this John Denver guy. Thai, apparently.
But the very best thing about Thai music is that it feels so good when it stops. *hiccup*
Wednesday Jan 24, 10:51PM:
"Retard: Cultural learnings of Thailand for make benefit glorious nation of Norway". Heppy times! High five! *hiccup*
Thursday Jan 25, 8:42AM:
"Hello! I'm youl dlivel!!! What? I dlive you CLAZY? Haha, good joke! Sil? Mistel X? Why you clying? Me dlive vely nice! Why you close eyes? Ok, I close eyes too! Take nap while dliving. No ploblem! Good fol me, good fol you... zzzzz..."
*Background noise of sirens and a grown man crying*
Thursday Jan 25, 4:53PM:
"Ok, mistel X. Hele is place fol buy big stick! Why you want to buy... ow! OUCH! Me dlive caleful now! Ow! Plomise! Ouch!"
Friday Jan 26, 9:00PM:
In the jungle now. Silence. A monkey screams. Sun through the branches. A car is approaching on a dusty road... "kwang jin tao jong pnam HOTEL CAAAALIFOLNIA..." Silence again, except for my low sobbing.
Friday Jan 26, 09:42AM:
Crying now. It turns out that my weak-eyed, prepubescent "dlivel" has his own business card. Do you know what it says? "Save your life if go with me". Below is a drawing of a guy in a racing car, with a helmet on...
Friday Jan 26, 12:17PM
"TAXI and elephant show" reads the sign in the reception. Yes, how often hasn't one stood in a taxi line, gulping gin at 4AM and longed for a little trunk fun.
Friday Jan 26, 2:08PM:
I'm hungry. "Driver, stop at gas station".
He's wondering. "Plenty gas, Mistel X! Why?"
"Because. Now stop or I make sexy time on you! I'm hungry!"
He gawps. "You EAT gasoline?"
They don't do fast food outlets here.
Tuesday Jan 23, 05:54AM:
Wow. Thais are lazy, it seems. They take the moped just to cross the street. And the guy who's trying to drive me around in Hua Hin can't even be bothered to use the indicator, much less break. Or turn. I think he may have lost the will to live actually. But the weather's nice.
Wednesday Jan 24, 11:17AM:
Driving a car again, now. Cheerful driver. He's looking forward to his confirmation. Wishes for a driver's license. He weighs at least a hundred pounds, including gold tooth, pencil mustache and white stick. He drives just like we do back in Norway - while the rest of Thailand drives on the left. Great. I'll probably have to threaten him with sex to make him stop. Wish me luck.
Wednesday Jan 24, 6:54PM:
"Kontli looooooooads, teke hoooooooooam
Tuvi paaaaaaace, ah bijooooooooooooooam"
So THAT'S how the song went... Clever, this John Denver guy. Thai, apparently.
But the very best thing about Thai music is that it feels so good when it stops. *hiccup*
Wednesday Jan 24, 10:51PM:
"Retard: Cultural learnings of Thailand for make benefit glorious nation of Norway". Heppy times! High five! *hiccup*
Thursday Jan 25, 8:42AM:
"Hello! I'm youl dlivel!!! What? I dlive you CLAZY? Haha, good joke! Sil? Mistel X? Why you clying? Me dlive vely nice! Why you close eyes? Ok, I close eyes too! Take nap while dliving. No ploblem! Good fol me, good fol you... zzzzz..."
*Background noise of sirens and a grown man crying*
Thursday Jan 25, 4:53PM:
"Ok, mistel X. Hele is place fol buy big stick! Why you want to buy... ow! OUCH! Me dlive caleful now! Ow! Plomise! Ouch!"
Friday Jan 26, 9:00PM:
In the jungle now. Silence. A monkey screams. Sun through the branches. A car is approaching on a dusty road... "kwang jin tao jong pnam HOTEL CAAAALIFOLNIA..." Silence again, except for my low sobbing.
Friday Jan 26, 09:42AM:
Crying now. It turns out that my weak-eyed, prepubescent "dlivel" has his own business card. Do you know what it says? "Save your life if go with me". Below is a drawing of a guy in a racing car, with a helmet on...
Friday Jan 26, 12:17PM
"TAXI and elephant show" reads the sign in the reception. Yes, how often hasn't one stood in a taxi line, gulping gin at 4AM and longed for a little trunk fun.
Friday Jan 26, 2:08PM:
I'm hungry. "Driver, stop at gas station".
He's wondering. "Plenty gas, Mistel X! Why?"
"Because. Now stop or I make sexy time on you! I'm hungry!"
He gawps. "You EAT gasoline?"
They don't do fast food outlets here.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
A disturbing trend
Ok... things are getting serious. Only last week I blogged about the Second Coming of Christ in the shape of a chimpanzee baby, born of a virgin monkey mother in Louisiana. Now comes this story from England, where a virgin Komodo dragon has given birth to five little dragonettes (or whatever you call the offspring of dragons).
I think we can all see the signs here. The dragon is one of the creatures in the Bible most closely associated with the Devil, while chimps are Man's closest relatives. Obviously, we have entered the End Days and in less than thirty years' time we can expect the final battle between Komodo and Chimpanzee. I'm hereby declaring copyrights to any book or movie manuscript based on this scenario (I need the income to pay for my highly overdue increase in medication).
I think we can all see the signs here. The dragon is one of the creatures in the Bible most closely associated with the Devil, while chimps are Man's closest relatives. Obviously, we have entered the End Days and in less than thirty years' time we can expect the final battle between Komodo and Chimpanzee. I'm hereby declaring copyrights to any book or movie manuscript based on this scenario (I need the income to pay for my highly overdue increase in medication).
Sunday, January 21, 2007
I don't WANT to do this...
... but your laziness is forcing my hand...
MAKE A COMMENT OR THE DOG GETS IT!
MAKE A COMMENT OR THE DOG GETS IT!
US vs Iran
This picture was taken during a recent match between wrestlers from the US (red) and Iran (blue). There were many comments that came to my warped mind when I saw it, but none that would really improve on the image as it is. Enjoy.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Monkey business
In a Louisiana Chimpanzee sanctuary, one of the animals has given birth. This would be unremarkable if not for one tiny little point: All the male chimpanzees there have had vasectomies. They've been castrated, emasculated, fixed, gelded, snipped, turned French.
This pregnancy is therefore disturbing on a number of levels. First, did the baby chimp look suspiciously like any of the male employees? If not, does this mean we're about to have Jesus return as a chimpanzee virgin birth? THAT would shake up both creationists and evolutionists alike!
I leave you with one final, disturbing thought: When delivering a chimpanzee baby... do the doctors... uhm... spank the monkey? (And should I increase my medication?)
This pregnancy is therefore disturbing on a number of levels. First, did the baby chimp look suspiciously like any of the male employees? If not, does this mean we're about to have Jesus return as a chimpanzee virgin birth? THAT would shake up both creationists and evolutionists alike!
I leave you with one final, disturbing thought: When delivering a chimpanzee baby... do the doctors... uhm... spank the monkey? (And should I increase my medication?)
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