Taxi Dlivel

My lucky slob of a brother has landed himself a plum photo assignment, and is currently in Thailand on a week of all-expenses-paid fun in the sun. Here is a quick sampling of some of the text messages I've received this week, slightly edited for you poor, wretched non-Norwegians out there:


Tuesday Jan 23, 05:54AM:
Wow. Thais are lazy, it seems. They take the moped just to cross the street. And the guy who's trying to drive me around in Hua Hin can't even be bothered to use the indicator, much less break. Or turn. I think he may have lost the will to live actually. But the weather's nice.

Wednesday Jan 24, 11:17AM:
Driving a car again, now. Cheerful driver. He's looking forward to his confirmation. Wishes for a driver's license. He weighs at least a hundred pounds, including gold tooth, pencil mustache and white stick. He drives just like we do back in Norway - while the rest of Thailand drives on the left. Great. I'll probably have to threaten him with sex to make him stop. Wish me luck.

Wednesday Jan 24, 6:54PM:
"Kontli looooooooads, teke hoooooooooam
Tuvi paaaaaaace, ah bijooooooooooooooam"
So THAT'S how the song went... Clever, this John Denver guy. Thai, apparently.
But the very best thing about Thai music is that it feels so good when it stops. *hiccup*

Wednesday Jan 24, 10:51PM:
"Retard: Cultural learnings of Thailand for make benefit glorious nation of Norway". Heppy times! High five! *hiccup*

Thursday Jan 25, 8:42AM:
"Hello! I'm youl dlivel!!! What? I dlive you CLAZY? Haha, good joke! Sil? Mistel X? Why you clying? Me dlive vely nice! Why you close eyes? Ok, I close eyes too! Take nap while dliving. No ploblem! Good fol me, good fol you... zzzzz..."
*Background noise of sirens and a grown man crying*

Thursday Jan 25, 4:53PM:
"Ok, mistel X. Hele is place fol buy big stick! Why you want to buy... ow! OUCH! Me dlive caleful now! Ow! Plomise! Ouch!"

Friday Jan 26, 9:00PM:
In the jungle now. Silence. A monkey screams. Sun through the branches. A car is approaching on a dusty road... "kwang jin tao jong pnam HOTEL CAAAALIFOLNIA..." Silence again, except for my low sobbing.

Friday Jan 26, 09:42AM:
Crying now. It turns out that my weak-eyed, prepubescent "dlivel" has his own business card. Do you know what it says? "Save your life if go with me". Below is a drawing of a guy in a racing car, with a helmet on...

Friday Jan 26, 12:17PM
"TAXI and elephant show" reads the sign in the reception. Yes, how often hasn't one stood in a taxi line, gulping gin at 4AM and longed for a little trunk fun.

Friday Jan 26, 2:08PM:
I'm hungry. "Driver, stop at gas station".
He's wondering. "Plenty gas, Mistel X! Why?"
"Because. Now stop or I make sexy time on you! I'm hungry!"
He gawps. "You EAT gasoline?"
They don't do fast food outlets here.