Why I rule

Much has been written recently about the start up of the new particle accelerator at CERN. Chicken little critics have argued that the new series of experiments risk creating black holes, which would then destroy our planet and kill all life.

Today, some of my less well informed pupils (meaning most of them) were chattering all through the early hours about this, and they were really winding each other up, despite my assurances that the only black hole they needed worry about was the one between their ears.

So at 9:30 European time, as they were cackling ever louder about their imminent demise, I quietly siddled down to the back corner of the room, where there's a large cupboard where the doors are ajar. Innocently I lifted my left leg. Then, at precisely 9:30 I kicked back, causing the doors to slam shut with a deafening bang. The desired effect was achieved as 20 teenagers screamed out in mortal terror. Needless to say, this has been my best workday by far this year.