Happy Festivus

Soon (Dec 23) we shall enter that joyful holiday, Festivus - the holiday for the rest of us. As usual I don't give a flying fuck about Christmas, seasonal greetings, presents and decorations and intend to spend the day watching DVDs and maybe working out once or twice. But this year I thought I'd give Festivus a shot, more specifically the "airing of grievances". This is where I let you all know how much you've disappointed me over the past 12 months. Here goes:

- My family. You still haven't become rich and died, leaving me a vast fortune to squander as I please. I shall never forgive you.

- My colleagues. I have a stroke, and all you guys can think of is joking about my loss of a driver's license for two months! You've been mean to me, and one day I will come with a shotgun and explain to you exactly how I feel.

- My pupils. Dumb, ignorant, uninterested, ungrateful little bastards you are! Whining just because you have to interpret an English poem or write an essay of more than two paragraphs. Also, the next one of you to spell "with" as "whit" will have your fingers cut off.

- The CIA. You fuckers STILL haven't passed me a suitcase full of unmarked 20-dollar bills, despite all I've done for you. I'm giving fair warning, if an offer comes from the Russkies, I'll contemplate it.

- Mossad. I keep defending Israel, and you kikes STILL haven't given me a pair of über-cool sunglasses and a set of super secretive assassination weapons to use on my pupils. I'm warming to the Arabs is all I can say.

- My readers. You've not kept up the pressure in the comments section on my exercising scheme. I had to go ahead and have a STROKE before I started losing weight. I'm sorely disappointed in you, I had expected better (=worse).

- Barack Obama. Nuff said.