My blog "Ask a Norwegian" is now available as an e-book at Amazon Kindle. (You can download a Kindle for PC for free at Amazon. Also, for Iphone, Ipads, Blackberry, Android.)
For Americans it costs $10, for others $13.80: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0059XPVIO
For UK citizens the price is converted from $ (I'm not from the UK so I can't actually SEE their price): https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0059XPVIO
For assorted Eurotrash it costs less than 8 Euro, you can buy it from German Amazon: https://www.amazon.de/dp/B0059XPVIO
Below is the product description, written by yours truly. If you're still not convinced, pop over to http://www.askanorwegian.blogspot.com and read some stuff for free... then go over to Amazon and make me rich!
Yours greedily,
Ghost
Product Description
Originally a blog, now in book form comes the legendary* tales of the cold lands of the north! All the questions about Norway and Norwegians you never knew you wanted answered!** This book will not only enlighten you about Norway, but also insult quite a few other nationalities, species and sexes in addition.
Why are Norwegians so restrained, and are they really rude? What should you eat in Norway or see in Oslo? What is the most common pet? And are Swedes actually human? The answer to these and many more questions are found in this book.
Excerpts:
"There's ample opportunity for bathing, though I've never tested the waters myself for fear of getting harpooned."
"The Danes are generally drunk out of their minds, the Swedes are incapable of feeling emotions and most Norwegians just don't care about you, because we know we're better than you are."
"...today's Bergensians: The bastard offspring of horny, drunken Krauts and Norwegian prostitutes."
"The most common animals are cats, dogs and Swedes ... for disciplining domesticated Swedes, I recommend a rolled up newspaper or a Colt .45, depending on the transgression."
"Because, no matter how hard we've partied, no matter how much we puked (and on whom), no matter how big of an ass we made of ourselves we can always take comfort in this: At least we're not Germans."
"Cabins should have no water or electricity, in fact as few modern conveniences as possible. This is to ensure that the first several hours of any visit will, by necessity, be spent chopping wood and/or pumping water manually into buckets or containers, or carried up steep slopes from the nearest lake or river - which may be a mile's walk or more."
"Ours is an unappetizing hodgepodge of something that looks like it has already been vomited and redigested at least twice, and from the looks of it, the chief ingredients are corn (maize), sour cream and rat."
"Norway is a Lutheran country and until a relatively short time ago, most Norwegians never had sex, we reproduced through cell division or Immaculate Conception."
"Norway, like Sweden has a long tradition for bestiality..."
"...men are from Earth and women from Venus, or some other planet where the weather is permanently foggy and so communication is always fraught with dangers."
* Almost unknown.
** Well, some of them.***
*** Only a few, really.
Showing posts with label funnies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funnies. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
I made doo doo (also known as a poem)!
I dunno iffin you've heard of this, but American children's book author Adam Mansbach has gone and written a funny little thing called "Go the fuck to sleep." 'tis about 15 short verses long, with illustrations, and let me tell you, the audiobook, narrated by Samuel L. Jackson is hilarious.
Anyways, as ya'll know there's nothing I desire more than tons of money in exchange for minimal work, so I've gone and written my own version, called "Eat your fucking food." I have uploaded it as an e-book at Amazon Kindle in the US, where it costs $1.99 for yanks and $3.99 for Norwegians and heaven knows how much for others, I guess it all depends on where you're browsing from.
Most Norwegians would probably like to order it (I know I am blatantly assuming that most Norwegians would, in fact, want to order it at all) from the German version of Amazon, where it'll set you back €1.60 - sumfin' like NOK 13. As far as I can tell the Kraut version caters to most of the rest of the European market as well. Iffin yer in Engerland or Scotland, the book is also avaliable at the UK Amazon at a converted rate, but only for UK customers. Splendid isolation my ass.
It's 17 stanzas of foul-mouthed fun. Every single stanza contains one end rhyme (legal guarantee!) and it even has two more stanzas than "Go the fuck to sleep" so that's 13% more content. No pretty drawings though, but you prolly wouldn't be able to see them very well on a kindle anyways. Or so I hope.
The book is made of 100% recycled electrons, so you purchasing this book will allow one rare, multicolored frog in the rainforests of Cameroon to live appx. five minutes longer than it otherwise would have. So go ahead and buy, buy, buy! Think of it as buying yer old (or new, as the case may be) pal a cup of coffee - or, knowing me, hot chocolate and a small apple tart on the side. With cream. Anyways, when I'm rich and famous I'll buy you one back, pwomise! (Not a legal guarantee!)
Anyways, as ya'll know there's nothing I desire more than tons of money in exchange for minimal work, so I've gone and written my own version, called "Eat your fucking food." I have uploaded it as an e-book at Amazon Kindle in the US, where it costs $1.99 for yanks and $3.99 for Norwegians and heaven knows how much for others, I guess it all depends on where you're browsing from.
Most Norwegians would probably like to order it (I know I am blatantly assuming that most Norwegians would, in fact, want to order it at all) from the German version of Amazon, where it'll set you back €1.60 - sumfin' like NOK 13. As far as I can tell the Kraut version caters to most of the rest of the European market as well. Iffin yer in Engerland or Scotland, the book is also avaliable at the UK Amazon at a converted rate, but only for UK customers. Splendid isolation my ass.
It's 17 stanzas of foul-mouthed fun. Every single stanza contains one end rhyme (legal guarantee!) and it even has two more stanzas than "Go the fuck to sleep" so that's 13% more content. No pretty drawings though, but you prolly wouldn't be able to see them very well on a kindle anyways. Or so I hope.
The book is made of 100% recycled electrons, so you purchasing this book will allow one rare, multicolored frog in the rainforests of Cameroon to live appx. five minutes longer than it otherwise would have. So go ahead and buy, buy, buy! Think of it as buying yer old (or new, as the case may be) pal a cup of coffee - or, knowing me, hot chocolate and a small apple tart on the side. With cream. Anyways, when I'm rich and famous I'll buy you one back, pwomise! (Not a legal guarantee!)
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Why I rule
Much has been written recently about the start up of the new particle accelerator at CERN. Chicken little critics have argued that the new series of experiments risk creating black holes, which would then destroy our planet and kill all life.
Today, some of my less well informed pupils (meaning most of them) were chattering all through the early hours about this, and they were really winding each other up, despite my assurances that the only black hole they needed worry about was the one between their ears.
So at 9:30 European time, as they were cackling ever louder about their imminent demise, I quietly siddled down to the back corner of the room, where there's a large cupboard where the doors are ajar. Innocently I lifted my left leg. Then, at precisely 9:30 I kicked back, causing the doors to slam shut with a deafening bang. The desired effect was achieved as 20 teenagers screamed out in mortal terror. Needless to say, this has been my best workday by far this year.
Today, some of my less well informed pupils (meaning most of them) were chattering all through the early hours about this, and they were really winding each other up, despite my assurances that the only black hole they needed worry about was the one between their ears.
So at 9:30 European time, as they were cackling ever louder about their imminent demise, I quietly siddled down to the back corner of the room, where there's a large cupboard where the doors are ajar. Innocently I lifted my left leg. Then, at precisely 9:30 I kicked back, causing the doors to slam shut with a deafening bang. The desired effect was achieved as 20 teenagers screamed out in mortal terror. Needless to say, this has been my best workday by far this year.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Pay me my money down
Back in December '07 I placed two small bets on the outcome of the presidential nomination contests. I put NOK 100 (almost $20) on Hillary (odds 1.40) and NOK 155 (appx $30) on McCain (odds 13!). The bets were placed with Bwin, a British company.
On Wednesday, the day after it had become apparent that Obama had a majority of delegates behind him, the Democratic race was "called" by Bwin, and my $20 was lost. However, I'd still not seen one dime of the money I was due for my brilliant bet on McCain. So I sent them this brief note:
"You've called the bet for the democrats, yet still haven't paid out my winnings on John McCain, who nailed the republican nomination with much greater certainty as long ago as February. What gives?"
Saturday, they came back with this pointless, formulaic answer:
"Thank you for your e-mail. We apologise for the delay in responding to your query and can confirm that in regards to the bet Who will win the Republican Party nomination? we have been informed by our book making department that the official result has not been given as yet, therefore we are unable to settle this bet. If by chance you know another verifiable source that can prove the contrary, we'll be more than happy to examine your inquiry once again. Please note that as soon as the official result has been stated this bet will be settled accordingly. Please do not hesitate to contact us if you have any further queries. Kind regards, Your bwin support team."
The "verifiable source" phrase made me blow a fuse, so I immediately sent off this reply:
"You've got to be kidding. If this represents the quality of research done by your bookmaking department, I suggest you fire them all and replace them with trained monkeys. Same quality, much cheaper.
My point was and is this: You have already notified me that the issue of the Democratic presidential nomination for 2008 has been settled in favor of "another than Hillary Clinton". This judgement is 99% likely to be correct, as Barack Obama has won the public support of more than half of the voting delegates to the party's nomination meeting in Denver in August. Only a major scandal that would lead delegates to change their minds (as they can do under the party's rules) will change this. So to all intents and purposes I agree that Clinton lost the nomination, as defined by the results of the nomination process through elections, caucuses etc.
However, under that same logic John McCain MUST be said to have won the Republican nomination. He secured a majority of voting delegates to the Republican convention as early as March 4, something most people not living isolated in deep caves would know. Again, I suggest you look into the monkey proposal.
Sources:
CNN from March:
http://edition.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/03/04/march.4.gop/index.html
CNNs updated and current delegate tally:
http://edition.cnn.com/ELECTION/2008/primaries/results/scorecard/#val=R
It is common knowledge to anyone reading newspapers that John McCain secured the Republican nomination way earlier and more securely than Obama did the Democratic one. To call the latter bet and not the former defies all logic. If you want to wait to call the bets until the nomination meetings have been held and the process formally concluded, that would be understandable and fair. But then you should use the same measuring stick for both bets and wait until August to call the Democratic nomination.
Regards,"
Today, shortly after noon, NOK 2,016 (appx $400) was deposited in my bwin account.
On Wednesday, the day after it had become apparent that Obama had a majority of delegates behind him, the Democratic race was "called" by Bwin, and my $20 was lost. However, I'd still not seen one dime of the money I was due for my brilliant bet on McCain. So I sent them this brief note:
"You've called the bet for the democrats, yet still haven't paid out my winnings on John McCain, who nailed the republican nomination with much greater certainty as long ago as February. What gives?"
Saturday, they came back with this pointless, formulaic answer:
"Thank you for your e-mail. We apologise for the delay in responding to your query and can confirm that in regards to the bet Who will win the Republican Party nomination? we have been informed by our book making department that the official result has not been given as yet, therefore we are unable to settle this bet. If by chance you know another verifiable source that can prove the contrary, we'll be more than happy to examine your inquiry once again. Please note that as soon as the official result has been stated this bet will be settled accordingly. Please do not hesitate to contact us if you have any further queries. Kind regards, Your bwin support team."
The "verifiable source" phrase made me blow a fuse, so I immediately sent off this reply:
"You've got to be kidding. If this represents the quality of research done by your bookmaking department, I suggest you fire them all and replace them with trained monkeys. Same quality, much cheaper.
My point was and is this: You have already notified me that the issue of the Democratic presidential nomination for 2008 has been settled in favor of "another than Hillary Clinton". This judgement is 99% likely to be correct, as Barack Obama has won the public support of more than half of the voting delegates to the party's nomination meeting in Denver in August. Only a major scandal that would lead delegates to change their minds (as they can do under the party's rules) will change this. So to all intents and purposes I agree that Clinton lost the nomination, as defined by the results of the nomination process through elections, caucuses etc.
However, under that same logic John McCain MUST be said to have won the Republican nomination. He secured a majority of voting delegates to the Republican convention as early as March 4, something most people not living isolated in deep caves would know. Again, I suggest you look into the monkey proposal.
Sources:
CNN from March:
http://edition.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/03/04/march.4.gop/index.html
CNNs updated and current delegate tally:
http://edition.cnn.com/ELECTION/2008/primaries/results/scorecard/#val=R
It is common knowledge to anyone reading newspapers that John McCain secured the Republican nomination way earlier and more securely than Obama did the Democratic one. To call the latter bet and not the former defies all logic. If you want to wait to call the bets until the nomination meetings have been held and the process formally concluded, that would be understandable and fair. But then you should use the same measuring stick for both bets and wait until August to call the Democratic nomination.
Regards,"
Today, shortly after noon, NOK 2,016 (appx $400) was deposited in my bwin account.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
How to spend Halloween
1. Buy a small mountain of chocolate.
2. Dim the lights, bolt the door and draw the curtains.
3. Put on a DVD from the 3rd season of The Simpsons.
4. Shove said mountain of chocolate in your face until ready to puke.
5. Crank up the volume on the DVD as much as necessary to drown out the noise from the weeping, sugar-deprived neighborhood children on your doorstep.
2. Dim the lights, bolt the door and draw the curtains.
3. Put on a DVD from the 3rd season of The Simpsons.
4. Shove said mountain of chocolate in your face until ready to puke.
5. Crank up the volume on the DVD as much as necessary to drown out the noise from the weeping, sugar-deprived neighborhood children on your doorstep.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
A disturbing trend
Ok... things are getting serious. Only last week I blogged about the Second Coming of Christ in the shape of a chimpanzee baby, born of a virgin monkey mother in Louisiana. Now comes this story from England, where a virgin Komodo dragon has given birth to five little dragonettes (or whatever you call the offspring of dragons).
I think we can all see the signs here. The dragon is one of the creatures in the Bible most closely associated with the Devil, while chimps are Man's closest relatives. Obviously, we have entered the End Days and in less than thirty years' time we can expect the final battle between Komodo and Chimpanzee. I'm hereby declaring copyrights to any book or movie manuscript based on this scenario (I need the income to pay for my highly overdue increase in medication).
I think we can all see the signs here. The dragon is one of the creatures in the Bible most closely associated with the Devil, while chimps are Man's closest relatives. Obviously, we have entered the End Days and in less than thirty years' time we can expect the final battle between Komodo and Chimpanzee. I'm hereby declaring copyrights to any book or movie manuscript based on this scenario (I need the income to pay for my highly overdue increase in medication).
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Monkey business
In a Louisiana Chimpanzee sanctuary, one of the animals has given birth. This would be unremarkable if not for one tiny little point: All the male chimpanzees there have had vasectomies. They've been castrated, emasculated, fixed, gelded, snipped, turned French.
This pregnancy is therefore disturbing on a number of levels. First, did the baby chimp look suspiciously like any of the male employees? If not, does this mean we're about to have Jesus return as a chimpanzee virgin birth? THAT would shake up both creationists and evolutionists alike!
I leave you with one final, disturbing thought: When delivering a chimpanzee baby... do the doctors... uhm... spank the monkey? (And should I increase my medication?)
This pregnancy is therefore disturbing on a number of levels. First, did the baby chimp look suspiciously like any of the male employees? If not, does this mean we're about to have Jesus return as a chimpanzee virgin birth? THAT would shake up both creationists and evolutionists alike!
I leave you with one final, disturbing thought: When delivering a chimpanzee baby... do the doctors... uhm... spank the monkey? (And should I increase my medication?)
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Friday, September 23, 2005
Terror Alert
Got this in my inbox today, and since I'm such a generous person I thought I'd share it with ya'll.
Londoners are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings, and in consequence the Alert State has been raised from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'. Soon though, the levels may need to be raised to 'Irritated' or even 'A bit cross!'
Londoners have not been 'A bit cross!' since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from 'Tiresome' to 'A bloody nuisance'; the last time 'A bloody nuisance' warning level was issued prior to that was during the Great Fire in 1666.
Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing their military capability.
It is not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert: the Italians have increased their alert level from 'Shout loudly and excitedly' to 'Elaborate military posturing'. Two more levels remain, 'Ineffective combat operations' and 'Change sides'.
The Germans also increased their alert state from 'Disdainful arrogance' to 'Dress in uniform and sing marching songs'. They have two higher levels, 'Invade a neighbour' and 'Lose'.
Seeing this reaction in continental Europe, the Americans have gone from 'Isolationism' to 'Find another oil-rich nation in the Middle East ripe for regime change'. Their remaining higher alert states are 'Attack the world' and 'Beg the British for help'.
Finally GB as a whole has gone from 'Pretend nothing's happening' to 'Make another cup of tea'. Our higher levels are 'Remain resolutely cheerful' and 'Win'.
**********
Londoners are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings, and in consequence the Alert State has been raised from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'. Soon though, the levels may need to be raised to 'Irritated' or even 'A bit cross!'
Londoners have not been 'A bit cross!' since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from 'Tiresome' to 'A bloody nuisance'; the last time 'A bloody nuisance' warning level was issued prior to that was during the Great Fire in 1666.
Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing their military capability.
It is not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert: the Italians have increased their alert level from 'Shout loudly and excitedly' to 'Elaborate military posturing'. Two more levels remain, 'Ineffective combat operations' and 'Change sides'.
The Germans also increased their alert state from 'Disdainful arrogance' to 'Dress in uniform and sing marching songs'. They have two higher levels, 'Invade a neighbour' and 'Lose'.
Seeing this reaction in continental Europe, the Americans have gone from 'Isolationism' to 'Find another oil-rich nation in the Middle East ripe for regime change'. Their remaining higher alert states are 'Attack the world' and 'Beg the British for help'.
Finally GB as a whole has gone from 'Pretend nothing's happening' to 'Make another cup of tea'. Our higher levels are 'Remain resolutely cheerful' and 'Win'.
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