Shit happens

Via Scott Adams I found this wonderful story I wanted to share with you:

"A powerful gust of wind recently swept a house-sized sculpture of dog feces from its display outside a Swiss museum, an art official in Berne said Monday ... The wind carried the work away, knocking down a power line and breaking a window at a nearby orphanage before falling to the ground about 200 metres from the centre."


It's at times like these I ponder the following theoretical conversation:

Fortune teller: 'Ten years from now, on a dark and stormy night, you will be chased by a giant, flying plastic dog turd".
Customer: "I want my money back".

A disturbing trend

Ok... things are getting serious. Only last week I blogged about the Second Coming of Christ in the shape of a chimpanzee baby, born of a virgin monkey mother in Louisiana. Now comes this story from England, where a virgin Komodo dragon has given birth to five little dragonettes (or whatever you call the offspring of dragons).

I think we can all see the signs here. The dragon is one of the creatures in the Bible most closely associated with the Devil, while chimps are Man's closest relatives. Obviously, we have entered the End Days and in less than thirty years' time we can expect the final battle between Komodo and Chimpanzee. I'm hereby declaring copyrights to any book or movie manuscript based on this scenario (I need the income to pay for my highly overdue increase in medication).

Monkey business

In a Louisiana Chimpanzee sanctuary, one of the animals has given birth. This would be unremarkable if not for one tiny little point: All the male chimpanzees there have had vasectomies. They've been castrated, emasculated, fixed, gelded, snipped, turned French.

This pregnancy is therefore disturbing on a number of levels. First, did the baby chimp look suspiciously like any of the male employees? If not, does this mean we're about to have Jesus return as a chimpanzee virgin birth? THAT would shake up both creationists and evolutionists alike!

I leave you with one final, disturbing thought: When delivering a chimpanzee baby... do the doctors... uhm... spank the monkey? (And should I increase my medication?)

Just wondering...

Am I the only one to breathe a sigh of relief to know that there will be no more programs with that hysterical, irresponsible dimwit Steve Irwin? Am I the only one to promptly change the channel every time his stupid grin, hectic voice and horrible hairdo grace the screen?

Now, if we could only get Richard Simmons to take scuba classes...

Random giggles

Some stories I found worthy of comment, or at least passing on to you, "The Internet As A Whole", as Bucky would say:

A hands-on approach:
A Philadelphia man is recovering from an attack, allegedly at the hands of his wife. The assault on his private parts has become public knowledge. In an interview with Action News after his release from, the 52-year-old victim spoke of his terrifying ordeal [In a falsetto voice, no doubt - Ed.]. The 52-year-old Tioga-Nicetown man, who we are identifying only by his first name of Howard, arrived home late Wednesday, hours after his wife allegedly tore off two parts of his genitalia with her bare hands.

You're all sluts:
Erotic images elicit faster and stronger electrical responses in a woman's brain than do images of any other sort ... Previous research indicated men are more aroused by erotic images than women are, so Anokhin and his colleagues expected women to respond with lower levels of brain activity compared to men. [In general, that would be a safe assumption, yes.]

And no, this is NOT me.

Random happy news

* A former US Marine fought back against four fuckers who tried to rob him. One ended up dead, one is in critical condition. Too bad the last two are probably still alive and well.

* A woman in Alabama was hit by lightning while praying. *snicker*

* There's talk of a "Die Hard" #4, and if it's even half as violent & entertaining as the first three, it'll be goooood.

And last, but not least:

* Jennifer Aniston is appearing nekkid in her new movie.

Everybody must get stoned

Allow this poor Norwegian, who's had to live with his smug, holier-than-thou mug regularly shown on national TV for years, to snicker, nay GLOAT over the attempted stoning of UN Under-Secretary-General for Humanitarian Affairs, Jan Egeland, in Darfur today.

Considering how little actual good the UN has been able to do in Darfur, how despicable the French and Chinese obstruction in the Security Council has been (coincidentally, both countries have oil interests in Sudan and China is providing Sudan with military choppers), and how much harm UN peacekeepers seem to inflict on African countries whenever they're deployed, it's no wonder they chased the bastard away.

Oh, and while on the subject of the UN - how much more attention do you think this story from Liberia would be getting if it was US, and not UN troops doing the child raping?

Lost

As if we needed more proof, here comes yet another test demonstrating that Americas young 'uns have, on average, the IQ of dirt. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present the following evidence:

* "...nearly two-thirds of Americans aged 18 to 24 still cannot find Iraq on a map..."

* "...less than six months after Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans and the Gulf Coast, 33 percent could not point out Louisiana on a U.S. map..."

* "...88 percent of those questioned could not find Afghanistan on a map of Asia..."

* "...63 percent could not find Iraq or Saudi Arabia on a map, and 75 percent could not point out Iran or Israel. Forty-four percent couldn't find any one of those four countries..." (emphasis added)

* "...Inside the United States, "half or fewer of young men and women 18-24 can identify the states of New York or Ohio on a map..."

* "...Forty-five percent said China's population is only twice that of the United States..."

I rest my case.

Ambivalence

Two stories caught my eye today that made me feel slightly ambivalent about the possible outcomes (no, I'm not always in a state of raging, arrogant certainty).

First story: The French are retreating again. After retreating from Germans, Arabs and their own students for years, this time they're retreating from their own smokers. Fear of electoral reprisals has caused the government to postpone a new law banning smoking indoors. Other examples of legislative backpedalling is given in the linked article. Now, I'm all in favor of eternally postponing laws that violate private property rights, and a ban on smoking (however much I hate that disgusting habit) is a gross violation of such rights... but on the other hand, I'd sure like to see the French government actually stand up for something, other than farm subsidies and the right not to bathe frequently.

Second story: The FDA has released a statement dismissing claims that marihuana has any discernible health benefits. Now on the one hand, I tend to think the FDA is most likely correct about this. Almost every "herbal" medication in use has no scientifically proven merit whatsoever, beyond the occasional placebo effect. In medicine, "alternative" tends to be the politically correct term for "bullshit". On the other hand, I am all in favor of legalizing marihuana, and regardless of actual medical effects I think any sane adult has a fundamental right to decide for themselves what substances they wish to inhale, inject or eat. If the medical usefulness argument is disproven, civil libertarians will lose a tactically successful angle with which to introduce legalization.

News you can't make up

Some random news stories I felt were blogworthy...

* In Alabama, a teacher has been charged after he took $1 bribes from his pupils to let them sit out his gym classes. My first thought when I read this story was "damn, this sucker's letting them off CHEAP". My second thought was "I wish I'd had a gym teacher like that".

* My future is bleak, according to this article in the Washington Post. Apparently, ugly people are more likely to become criminals, and the uglier you are, the worse your chances. It's a miracle I've made it this far.

* In California, some fucker(s) have stolen the prosthetic limbs of a 16-year old girl - for the second time. If this isn't what the death penalty is for, then I don't know what.

A subtle new strategy of deterrent

You may have heard the story about vice president Cheney, who managed to "accidentally" shoot his hunting mate Saturday. I don't think there was an accident at all. I think this was the first step in a White House strategy to scare the fuck out of America's enemies. Think about it - this country has a vice president who shoots his friend in the face - how nervous should you be if you're his enemy??? For further reference, see Frank J.'s Realistic Plan for World Peace: Nuke the Moon.

Bring back the birch

I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults.
- Gore Vidal

A new poll finds stark differences in the way parents and teachers view the situation in American schools. Some points to consider:

"...less than half of parents say student discipline is a serious concern at school ... Two in three [teachers] call children's misbehavior a major problem."

I might just be getting old, but from personal experience both as a pupil and a teacher, I find that values like respect, discipline and just plain old common decency have taken a distinct turn for the worse. We teachers regularly hear language between pupils and are ourselves subjected to personal abuse that would have been unthinkable when I was in high school (back in the stone age).

"On testing, the poll found teachers are much more likely than parents to say standardized exams get too much emphasis. Yet most parents and teachers agree testing has weakened the ability of educators to give individual attention to students."

I'm in two minds about this. I am all in favor of standardized tests, because I think this is the only way we can reasonably measure a school's performance. It would be absurd and ignorant to claim that all schools, be they in Norway or in the U.S., perform equally. So long as education remains a public concern we therefore need tools to measure performance and find out where we need to make improvements. However, in my experience the tests we currently use are not always very well made, and not necessarily relevant to the curricula we teach from. More than cutting down on standardized testing, we probably need to cut down on some of the more obscure requirements for what to teach. So much of what we're supposed to be teaching is of little relevance and use to the pupils.

"...43% of parents say low expectations of students is a serious problem; 54% of teachers say the same, including almost two in three teachers in high school."

Major problem over here too. Many pupils - in some classes a majority - are quite content with not flunking. And we keep lowering the bar for that, too. International studies show that Norwegian pupils today are 6-12 months behind the level we were only ten years ago. That's downright scary, especially considering that we've added an extra school year at the beginning (school start was lowered from 7 to 6 years of age).

Time for an old man's rant: Kids today seem to expect to get everything handed to them on a silver platter. I can give the same message half a dozen times, in writing or spoken - yet when time comes for a test or a hand-in, half the class haven't even prepared, or started writing the assignment. With only a handful of exceptions, no one ever opens a book before they get to school, so they're never prepared for what's going to happen in class. Yet, I'm the meanie for not giving them better grades! (I'll freely admit to being a meanie, but I want to be credited for actual meanness, not for simply doing my job!)

Also, it is downright horrifying to discover what high-schoolers simply do not know. If you don't know which way is north and south on a map, if you don't know the difference between a noun and a verb, if you don't who's prime minister of your own country... you're simply too ignorant to be let out of elementary school. There are several components to this, we can blame both the media and the parents. But I fear that the main reason is the lax atmosphere in elementary school, where you often find teachers with relatively little education in the subjects they're teaching (it should be noted that the grade average for many of the people who enter teaching colleges is atrocious!), and who treat the classrooms more as an extension of Kindergarten than a place for actual learning.

Sign o' the times

We are surely living in the end times. Consider the evidence:

* Barry Manilow is topping the album charts for the first time in 29 years.

* The most demonized Democratic president in modern times is now so close to the family of the most demonized Republican president that he is "considered part of the family".

* Six-year olds are suspended from Elementary School for "sexual harassment".

* The world's Muslims are more outraged about non-believers lampooning their prophet than about co-believers slitting the throats of other co-believers.

Once bitten, twice ugly

Ya'll probably heard of the French woman who got a partial face transplant after she was bitten by the family dog and severely disfigured. Now she's gone public with her new face. Color me cruel, but my first thought when I saw the result was "why bother?"... my second thought was "Lady... better get a lawyer, 'cause you've been had".

A quick and cruel commentary on her statements as reported by CNN:

"I now have a face like everyone else," she told reporters Monday at the hospital in Amiens in northern France where the surgery was performed.

Only if everybody else looks like something out of "Night of the living dead". Which maybe they do in France.

"A door to the future is opening."

A future in horror movies?

Her speech was heavily slurred and hard to understand...

That's called FRENCH.

...and she appeared to have difficulty moving or closing her mouth.

Duh. All women have problems closing their mouths.

Dumbfucks

As if we needed more proof, here is yet another study documenting that young people today have the average IQ of bricks. Allow me to quote:

"...most college students cannot handle many complex but common tasks, from understanding credit card offers to comparing the cost per ounce of food..." My dead grandmother could compare the cost of food, and she had seven years of schooling back in the 20s and 30s. Come to think of it, she probably still could, if you dug her up.

"More than 50 percent of students at four-year schools and more than 75 percent at two-year colleges lacked the skills to perform complex literacy tasks. That means they could not interpret a table about exercise and blood pressure, understand the arguments of newspaper editorials, compare credit card offers with different interest rates and annual fees or summarize results of a survey about parental involvement in school." I'll cut 'em some slack on not understanding newspaper editorials, they may have been tested using the NY Times' editorials, and no one outside the Democratic party's loony wing can understand the arguments made there.

"Almost 20 percent of students pursuing four-year degrees had only basic quantitative skills. For example, the students could not estimate if their car had enough gas to get to the service station." Free investment tip: Start buying shares in road rescue companies.

Ok, so I lied

I know I promised ya'll a good rant about the Nobel Peace Prize, but I don't think I can be bothered. This year's selection is boring and safe and there's really not much to be huffing and puffing about. The IAEA is of course quite useless, since they've never dismantled a single nuclear weapons program, but their purpose is well intentioned and they're not doing any damage, since no one ever listens to them anyway. Let them have their fun, that's what I say.

It's good to be the king

For those uncertain about the wisdom of an absolute monarchy, I present to you his royal highness, King Mswati III of Swaziland. This 37 year old ruler has been in the news before, chiefly in connection with expensive purchases of luxury cars, private jets and the likes. (Swaziland has an average PPP/GDP of about $5,100 - 126th in the world - and an average life expectancy of just 33 years - dead last, pardon my pun.)

This time the King is making headlines with his annual Reed Dance Ceremony, in which "more than 50,000 bare-breasted virgins vied to become the King of Swaziland's 13th wife". The age limit for participation? 13. The percentage of Swazis with HIV? 40 - the highest in the world. Sensitive guy, this.

One might think his highness had received a sufficient degree of punishment for his sins by having twelve wives (and presumably a few mother-in-laws), and an undisclosed number of children. However, he seems to have ways of preserving the family peace, as he apparently had his daughter (and several others) whipped for playing loud music (I am not wholly unsympathetic to the idea) at a party in connection with the Reed Dance. And they wonder why this continent is so fucked?

We'll have nun of that dancing, thank you very much!

This is yet another example of news you can't make up... CNN reports that a Belgian nun was reprimanded by her Mother Superior last week after engaging in "acrobatic and indecorous dancing with a missionary during the Catholic World Youth Day in Germany."

A local newspaper had printed pictures of the nun, Johanne Vertommen "being held up in the air by the missionary, and then clinging to him with her legs wrapped around his body."
I wonder if they were doing the Vatican rag?

Stories about nuns always make me think of Mother Mary Stigmata, the terrifying penguin from Blues Brothers - a classic movie turning 25 this year. Anyways, I'll end this post with a great quote from Frank Zappa (and a link to his song "Catholic Girls" - because I can):

"They tried to make me go to Catholic school, too. I lasted a very short time. When the penguin came after me with a ruler, I was out of there."

Inflation

Seems inflation is reaching outrageous levels in Africa. How else to explain why a Kenyan guy was willing to give 20 cows and 40 goats to marry Chelsea Clinton?

(Note: I could make up some unusually tasteless jokes about CC's physical appearance and various livestock, but I'm just too polite. You're welcome to have at it in the comments though.)

Pre-historic porn

Go here and see for yourselves, you dirty buggers.