Happy Festivus!

'tis the day of Festivus, and once again let me air some grievances before leaving for Naples.

- Despise my best efforts I am still fat. I blame all you readers (yes, both of you!) for not doing your job of harassing me into exercising.

- Israel. Last year I complained about the utter lack of deadly toys you should have sent me, and this year is no exception. But what has really disappointed me is that you still haven't bombed the fuckin Iranians to smithereens. A computer virus impresses no one! Bah!

- The CIA. Ditto for toys and money and such, but this all pales compared to Wikileaks. Honestly, not one fuckin assassin to put a bullet in that Assange cunt? Not one??? Gaaaaaah!

- Wikileaks. It's early days yet, but so far not ONE mention of yours truly nor this blog. I swear and shake my fist at everything and nothing and to no avail. Meh!

- My family. Still alive, still poor. Not even worth killing. Sigh...

Happy Festivus

Soon (Dec 23) we shall enter that joyful holiday, Festivus - the holiday for the rest of us. As usual I don't give a flying fuck about Christmas, seasonal greetings, presents and decorations and intend to spend the day watching DVDs and maybe working out once or twice. But this year I thought I'd give Festivus a shot, more specifically the "airing of grievances". This is where I let you all know how much you've disappointed me over the past 12 months. Here goes:

- My family. You still haven't become rich and died, leaving me a vast fortune to squander as I please. I shall never forgive you.

- My colleagues. I have a stroke, and all you guys can think of is joking about my loss of a driver's license for two months! You've been mean to me, and one day I will come with a shotgun and explain to you exactly how I feel.

- My pupils. Dumb, ignorant, uninterested, ungrateful little bastards you are! Whining just because you have to interpret an English poem or write an essay of more than two paragraphs. Also, the next one of you to spell "with" as "whit" will have your fingers cut off.

- The CIA. You fuckers STILL haven't passed me a suitcase full of unmarked 20-dollar bills, despite all I've done for you. I'm giving fair warning, if an offer comes from the Russkies, I'll contemplate it.

- Mossad. I keep defending Israel, and you kikes STILL haven't given me a pair of über-cool sunglasses and a set of super secretive assassination weapons to use on my pupils. I'm warming to the Arabs is all I can say.

- My readers. You've not kept up the pressure in the comments section on my exercising scheme. I had to go ahead and have a STROKE before I started losing weight. I'm sorely disappointed in you, I had expected better (=worse).

- Barack Obama. Nuff said.

April's fool

For those of you who can read Norwegian... truly, no good deed goes unpunished.

It's a strange world out there

When boredom gets me I sometimes use the random blog function at the top of the page to surf around and see what's out there on blogspot. The general impression is "not a whole fuckin lotta' anything". Most blogs are of no interest whatsofuckinever, they're borrrring family update stuff for grandparents, silly teenage girl pages with pink backgrounds and poorly concealed ad pages for mortgages or viagra. You get the picture.

Some other observations: More and more blogs are in languages other than English. Chiefly Spanish (ugh) but even the frogs seem to be worming their way into the blogosphere these days and that sucks. In the 90s I had sweet, sweet visions of the internet(s) as a tool to trample all other languages under the mighty heel of English, but alas it was not to be. Another observation: People who put pop-ups and automatic music and/or videos on their pages must die slow and horrible deaths.

Anyway, there are so many blogs out there that once in a while you're bound to happen upon some good stuff. Allow me to introduce:

* Japanese priority seat signs. I don't know if these are real, but they made me snort. There's more funny shit on that page.

* Some nice pics on the blog of this Russkie in Riga.

* This looks like some kind of tourist blog for Angola, but I don't speak Portuguese so I can't say for sure. Lots of good pics anyway.

* FINALLY, another Scandinavian blogging in English. Nice images from lovely Denmark. Click on her profile, she has more nice photo pages.

Shit happens

Via Scott Adams I found this wonderful story I wanted to share with you:

"A powerful gust of wind recently swept a house-sized sculpture of dog feces from its display outside a Swiss museum, an art official in Berne said Monday ... The wind carried the work away, knocking down a power line and breaking a window at a nearby orphanage before falling to the ground about 200 metres from the centre."


It's at times like these I ponder the following theoretical conversation:

Fortune teller: 'Ten years from now, on a dark and stormy night, you will be chased by a giant, flying plastic dog turd".
Customer: "I want my money back".

Not giving up my daytime job

Powered By Adult Toy Shop

No surprise there

My "deadly sin" is sloth. What's yours?

How to spend Halloween

1. Buy a small mountain of chocolate.

2. Dim the lights, bolt the door and draw the curtains.

3. Put on a DVD from the 3rd season of The Simpsons.

4. Shove said mountain of chocolate in your face until ready to puke.

5. Crank up the volume on the DVD as much as necessary to drown out the noise from the weeping, sugar-deprived neighborhood children on your doorstep.

When a man ignores a woman

Finally, it's scientific: Men Hard-Wired to Ignore Their Wives. In addition to it being good, common sense, of course.

A disturbing trend

Ok... things are getting serious. Only last week I blogged about the Second Coming of Christ in the shape of a chimpanzee baby, born of a virgin monkey mother in Louisiana. Now comes this story from England, where a virgin Komodo dragon has given birth to five little dragonettes (or whatever you call the offspring of dragons).

I think we can all see the signs here. The dragon is one of the creatures in the Bible most closely associated with the Devil, while chimps are Man's closest relatives. Obviously, we have entered the End Days and in less than thirty years' time we can expect the final battle between Komodo and Chimpanzee. I'm hereby declaring copyrights to any book or movie manuscript based on this scenario (I need the income to pay for my highly overdue increase in medication).

Monkey business

In a Louisiana Chimpanzee sanctuary, one of the animals has given birth. This would be unremarkable if not for one tiny little point: All the male chimpanzees there have had vasectomies. They've been castrated, emasculated, fixed, gelded, snipped, turned French.

This pregnancy is therefore disturbing on a number of levels. First, did the baby chimp look suspiciously like any of the male employees? If not, does this mean we're about to have Jesus return as a chimpanzee virgin birth? THAT would shake up both creationists and evolutionists alike!

I leave you with one final, disturbing thought: When delivering a chimpanzee baby... do the doctors... uhm... spank the monkey? (And should I increase my medication?)

My fridge is possessed

Lately, my fridge has developed an eerie, sniggering sound. I can sit peacefully at the kitchen table, and suddenly the fucker will erupt in a low, snide chuckle. It may just be the creaking of old age, or it may be that it has been possessed by a throckmorton. Either way, it's bloody annoying.

The peculiarities of the English language

Actual cnn.com headline today: "Lou Diamond Phillips charged with battery". I wonder what part(s) of his body they attached the cables to?

I'm Lost And I Can't Find My Way Home

"So", I hear you say - for I frequently hear voices - "what have you been doing since you came back from the US?"

"Well", I'll reply - for I don't wish to appear rude, not even to invisible voices - (come to think of it... particularly not to them!) "Mostly, I've been vegetating in front of the computer or the TV."

"Watched anything interesting?", you may or may not ask me.

"Yes", I'll reply, regardless. "There is this series called "Lost", I bought the first season on DVD and watched the first 25 episodes in just two nights. Not that I'm obsessed or anything."

At this point you will either join me in an anal-retentive discussion of the show (being a fan) or back away slowly (being one of The Others). Either way, pay no attention to the machete in my right hand.

Photo Quiz time!

Task 1: The person in this picture...

a) Is wearing her panties on the outside
b) Generally displays a public behavior that would make a seasoned whore blush
c) Is more than old enough to know better
d) All of the above




Task 2: The people in this picture from a PETA demonstration against the use of bear fur for military hats...

a) Are protesting the very serious matter of the killing of bears in one of the least serious manners known to man
b) Are probably hairy enough to provide material for said fur hats themselves
c) Are probably ugly enough that their publicity stunt falls well within internationally accepted definitions of terrorism
d) All of the above

I think I've found a new niche in spoofing photos of famous people. Today's little quiz:

The person in the picture is:

a) In dire need of a better haircut
b) A living indictment of public dental care
c) Guy Verhofstadt, Prime Minister of Belgium
d) All of the above

Random observations on an article

I saw a column today at CNN, about how to "Cut your car insurance costs". There were five strategies mentioned, but the article conspiciously failed to mention the most obvious one: Stop driving like an asshole.

What really caught my eye, however, was this picture of the columnist, Gerri Willis. What the fuck is up with her face? Look closely - that chin and those cheekbones can't possibly be human! She's either an alien or the hitherto unknown twin sister of Batman's Joker.

Chocolate City

So, Nagin seems to have won the 1st round in New Orleans... I attribute this to my campaign aid of course.

I'm not sure what the mayor is doing in this picture, taken after last night's victory... maybe he's describing the size of his "chocolate" bar? The woman behind him sure seems to be having some thoughts on the subject.

Coming out

I don't remember where I found this picture, nor when. But it sure looks like Dubbya's doning a giant dress, doesn't it?

Change your flag!

Now, I couldn't really give a damn about the current uprisings in Nepal, we sorta lost interest in feudalism over here several centuries ago. Reactionary monarchs or revolutionary maoists are just the same shit in different wrapping. But this photo of the Nepalese king caught my eye. Look at the pattern in the background - wouldn't that make a really cool flag for Israel??? Maybe it should come with a sound effect - like the sound of a Star Wars light sabre or something?