How I broke my ankle

So, I'm finally home from what should have been a half hour routine check-up with my nephrologist (or kidney doctor for stoopid yanks) at Lillehammer hospital, but turned out to be a long day being shipped up and down between doctors, the x-ray machine (3 times!) and more doctors. And lots of wrinkly, ugly, old nurses; not even the hot kind. Meh. The only good thing that happened all day was when I was waiting to take a blood test (for the kidneys) and a young lady with a small kid went in before me and the noises that came out of that office sounded more like a bunch of wildcats fighting than a human child. For all I know, her head spun round and she projectile vomited dark blood.

Anyway, to recap: I slipped on the ice outside McDonalds, parked at the hospital, limped in and had my half hour, was sent up to x-ray which looked like a fracture, was sent down to orthopedic and promptly sent back up to x-ray to get better pics, then down again to get a slight cast around my ankle, up to x-ray to confirm that the cast was placed right relative to the injury, then down to orthopedic yet again, where they explained to me how to use crutches, which I've never used before.

In between all this there was endless waiting, which allowed me to finally, but fucking finally understand WHY people sit on their little smartphones all day and I gave thanks to Bob the Rain God that I had finally gotten one. I emailed my landlady and my boss and posted updates and insults on FB.

It was almost like being in a very slow, cumbersome version of home; like an Amish Facebook user, with my tongue sticking ever so slightly out of the corner of my mouth as my sausage fingers searched for the right button to push and by mistake pushed the one beside instead. Yeah, that happened. A lot. But I managed, and now I am back to my dear laptop with its large keyboard and screen.

"But what happened with the ole' leg", I hear you say, for I frequently hear voices and they're not always screaming for the blood of innocents. Well, the slight cast I have on now will probaby go off in a week, to be replaced by a proper, harder cast. At the same time they will also do a CT-scan of the leg and even make a decision on whether to operate or just leave it to grow of its own accord.

The doc in orthopedics told me that due to my diabetes-related neuropathy, there was good news and bad news. On the bright side, I won't feel as much pain as I normally would. On the not so bright side I will heal more slowly. Which brings me to a potentially big problem; estimated time I have to have a fucking cast on, precluding moi driving my beloved automobile, indeed any automobile at all, is 9 weeks versus normally 5-6.

We'll have to wait and see how the injury heals, but I was supposed to go to Scotland to chaufeur a couple of Californians around on April 17th. Iffin that 9-week time table still stands, there are two possibilities; either I need to arrange for a hand-controlled handicap car or a certain Californian needs to learn how to drive on the left.

I was sent home by taxi tonight - almost an hour's drive to the tune of appx 2500 NOK/300 USD, of which I personally paid a measly 149 NOK/17 USD. The rest is paid for by all you Norwegian readers through your taxes; a heartfelt thanks!

The walk from the courtyard along the garage and round to my entrance was almost too much and I would not have made it if not for the support of the taxi driver. I almost fell several times and the actual steps up to my apartment turned out to be too much for my crutches and my by now worn out left leg, which had had to bear the brunt of the struggles. I had to use my right leg for support even though I'm really not supposed to put any stress on it the first week. My landlady very kindly helped me with getting seated and brought me drink and medicines and stuff, but I already fear getting up and doing even the simplest things, like making a sandwich or *shudder* going to the bathroom.

Tomorrow I need to call my primary physician to write me a sick note for work and also I must contact the municipal authorities to hear what types of aids they can offer me, like maybe a walker. I foresee several weeks of cumbersome shittiness, medical mistakes interspersed with hours of tedious waiting and not least lots and lots of pain, glorious pain. I want a blanket, hot cocoa and sympathy, knowing full well that y'all are gonna rip me to shreads for being a whiny bitch who should have just gnawed off my leg and gotten on with it.

Summer evening on the lake

Last Friday, the school had its summer party for teachers and various school staff. We boarded a small boat, which I think had previously been used as a ferry and set out across Randsfjorden, which is the 4th largest lake in Norway. We made landfall for less than an hour and then went back again. I stuffed face and had a pleasant evening and took a shitload of pictures; some of them even made it on here.

It was a grand time to be out on the water.


The lake is dotted with cabins all around. And that honeylike Nordic light.


As we were sailing back, the full moon rose behind us. T'was magic, people.


A typical Norwegian summer night. I think the picture was taken shortly before midnight.

Tentative route for Scotland

These past few weeks I've felt an ever increasing rattling in my old traveling bones, so to speak. It gets worse the closer I get to a departure; sounds, sights and especially smells can suddenly take me thousands of miles away. I get this bubbling feeling inside, and sometimes an actual, physical shudder. That's how much I love to travel.

As previously announced, this summer's trip will go to Scotland; possibly with a slight dip down into northern England for the last weekend, that part isn't fully planned yet. For almost the whole trip I shall be accompanied by my old friend... uhm, chum...uh... acquaintance, Siri. BUT imma drop her in Edinburgh the last Thursday and then spend an oval weekend in the borders, with the strong possibility of a visit to the actual Flodden Field.

The route as of now...

July 29: Flying from Oslo to Edinburgh, landing in the evening. I'll rent a car and drive to Stirling,  panicking over left-hand driving all the way.

July 30: I have hopes of doing Stirling Castle, the Wallace Monument and Bannockburn Visitor Centre this day. The actual Centre doesn't open till next year, but the intermediary one I went to last fall was so interesting I want to go again. If Siri really gets into Stirling Castle, we probably won't have time though. We shall spend the night in quaint little Doune, just up the road from Stirling.

July 31: Planning on seeing Doune Castle in the morning, then drive on up through the Trossachs, possibly with a slight detour south to see Loch Lomond. Then it's over my beloved A-82 and the Rannoch Moor to Glencoe. We'll be passing Bridge of Orchy and Loch Tulla and maybe, just maybe we'll have lunch at the King's House Hotel. We shall spend the night in Fort William.

August 1: In the wee morning we'll have a looksee at the ruins of Inverlochy Castle, and if Siri feels like it, possibly take a quick detour to Treasures of the Earth where she can fill several suitcases with shiny objects and precious gems. I know I wanted to the last time I was there. Then the journey will continue up along Loch Ness to Urquhart Castle, before ending in Inverness for the night.

August 2: This will probably be the longest day of the trip, at least where driving is concerned. I'm thinking about going up from Inverness to Wick the loooong way. Up to Dingwall, then veer sharply northwest and then go around the highlands the whole day before hitting Wick in the evening. If we have time, I hope to see Dunnet's Head.

August 3: We'll spend some time at wonderful old Wick Museum in the morning, then down the coast by way of Badbea and Helmsdale and possibly even Black Isle before spending an hour at Culloden. Staying overnight in Inverness again.

August 4: Do Culloden iffin we didn't have the time yesterday. Onwards to Clava Cairn and Fort George. Maybe even the Dallas Dhu distillery, cuz it's run by Historic Scotland and so it's freeeeee. Spend the night in Elgin.

August 5: This is probably the most expensive day of the trip. We'll start out from Elgin in time to be at the Aberlour distillery for their 10 AM tour. Apparently it takes up to two hours. As you probably know, I don't drink, but distilleries are also an important part of Scotland's cultural and industrial history so I don't see the tour as a waste. Their web page announces that you'll have the "opportunity to hand-fill your own personalised bottle of Aberlour cask strength whisky", which, if I know my parents right, may take the place of an otherwise cheap bottle of tax-free vodka in my luggage. *sigh*

Additionally, we'll be spending the night at the most impressive Dalmunzie Castle, where we got their last room for a stomach churning £265 (much of it prepaid). But that's including a four-course dinner, so in the words of Joey Tribiani, "this is where I get my money back".

August 6-8: Not sure if we'll spend any more time in the wonderful Grampians on the 6th, but we're booked the next two nights in Edinburgh, at some rental apartment Siri found. So the 6th, the 7th and much of the 8th will be spent doing touristy stuff in Edinburgh. Holyrood Palace, Arthur's Seat, Edinburgh Castle, Scott Monument, National Museum, Canton Hill, etc, etc. One very interesting thing is that we've got tickets for the Military Tattoo on the 7th. Siri will fly home (or, if you want to be difficult about it, allow herself to be flown home in an airplane) and I will spend the night of the 8th in Linlithgow, just outside Edinburgh.

August 9-12: Having finally ditched the cow waved goodbye to my dear friend Siri, I'll set course south. I wish to spend a few hours at Linlithgow Palace and possibly also Blackness Castle but the main goal of this last weekend is the Borders area. I've booked a room in Selkirk for three nights, and plan on seeing as much old stuff, castles in ruins and old battlefields as I can cram into an oval weekend. During this part I might just cut into Engerland for a little while.

Imma fly home in the evening of Monday, August 12. Tuesday noon I've arranged for a tour of my new workplace and work will formally start on Wednesday 14, with three days of planning. The bastards pupils will arrive Monday, August 19. My long, wonderful, over two year long holiday will be over for good... unless, of course (and this I pray for with every fiber of my non-believing body) I win the lottery. Then all bets (see what I did there?) are off.

I's got a new job!

Got a new job teaching at a high school almost two hours north of where I currently live. Interviewed for it Thursday and the area seemed very nice, as did my future co-workers. Things be looking up, dawg.

My class

As you may remember, I quit my old job at the vocational high school back in November. Since then I've started teaching part time at the general high school in town, where the pupils are generally more motivated and clever in the "academic" subjects I teach. In addition, I've been given two history classes to teach and ya'll knows how much ah lubs history. So generally, the experience can be summed up in one word: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

One of the classes I teach is a freshman class in social science. I had my first lesson with them on Monday, where I let slip that I turned forty on Saturday - I don't remember the exact context, I was probably joking about old age. The little ones took it to heart and when I had my second lesson today they'd bought a cake with lights on and a chocolate and covered the blackboard with a greeting. Some boys made (or dug up?) a poem for me which they recited and a girl had made a poem on the backside of a big poster. I think maybe I'm gonna like this class...

One week to go

I have now confirmed that my last day here at school will be next Monday, the 15th of November... wheeeeeeee! I am part elated, part scared shitless. Maybe I'll gravitate towards teaching again, maybe I'll do something completely different. It's too soon to tell.

On a related note, I have a slight problem. Back before the summer, I went ahead and booked a flight to Naples, Italy for the xmas holiday (Dec 23 - Jan 1), plus I paid a 100 Euro deposit on an apartment. I also booked a rental car at a cheap price. I would HATE not having the money to go. The apartment is to be rented from Dec 25 till Jan 1 and has two bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. It's south of Naples, not far from Sorrento and Amalfi and all those purdy little towns and also very close to Pompei.

Anyways, in order to secure the financing of the trip I hereby offer a bedroom & bathroom in my apartment for the week of Dec 25 - Jan 1, at the ridiculously low price of $300. In addition you'll get the bonus of my smug face at breakfast every morning, plus a free ride to various interesting places such as Herculaneum, Pompei and Capri to mention a few. What are you waiting for?

Exit

Today I handed in my letter of resignation at school. There is no single reason for this, it is the accumulated weight of lots of little things that has made me do it.

I have a 3-month period before the resignation is effective, and I don't have a new job lined up yet (I've applied to a couple of jobs), so now I just have to write travelogues and articles the best I can, for whoever wants to pay me... so if anyone wants a fat, balding, middleaged guy to write or speak about anything pertaining to US politics or general travel, I'm free. I'm not too proud to beg!

Playing God for money

I've been appointed external examinator at two schools again this year. I will be playing God with young people's lives and getting PAID to do it.

Life is good.

Kill kill kill

Today I was subjected to a half hour "concert" by a Norwegian "musician" at work. Our pupils had actually won a national contest (best at ignoring teachers' orders or something like that) and their prize was 30 minutes of howling and inaudible rubbish from a pair of Norwegian "rappers". The organization behind this was the fuckin Red Cross and they're never getting another cent from me again.

Those who know me will also know that I hate rap and rappers with a burning passion, it's the kind of hatred I normally reserve for people like Hitler and Stalin (say what you will, a man who kills 20 million peasants can't be ALL bad). The noise was almost unbearable as this fucker and his companions were holding court right outside the outer wall next to where we have our working spaces (I refuse to call our laughable workplaces "offices"). The walls shook and I could feel a throbbing bass banging away at the back of my head. Fortunately the bastards stopped before I received any permanent damage.

All I can say is, next year I'm gonna do my utmost to ensure that our school doesn't win a single thing if it involves another visit by so-called musicians who think their trade is improved by yelling the words, jumping around uncontrollably and generally acting like fuckin morons onstage. HATE!

Shoot me now

I have 40+ English tests to grade, ranging from the atrocious, but short to the atrocious and long.

Sweet Jebus, I long for June.

Vacation

For those of you who think I'm on the equvialent of an extended holiday, think again. Today I've had to change the term plans of eight classes to fit my absence. Tests, term papers, everything gets messed up because of the stroke. I'd just as soon NOT have had it, thank you very much.

Scalped

I was almost scalped today. I teach a hairdresser class, and one of the perks is that I get free haircuts. Sadly, today one of my pupils made a mistake with the machine and left a very visible bald streak (yes, I still have a teensy weensy bit of hair on top) and the best solution was to cut everything equally short. I'm not completely bald, but the hairs are very, very short. JUST what I needed before going to Rome... On the bright side I got a very pleasant head massage for my troubles.

Why I rule

Much has been written recently about the start up of the new particle accelerator at CERN. Chicken little critics have argued that the new series of experiments risk creating black holes, which would then destroy our planet and kill all life.

Today, some of my less well informed pupils (meaning most of them) were chattering all through the early hours about this, and they were really winding each other up, despite my assurances that the only black hole they needed worry about was the one between their ears.

So at 9:30 European time, as they were cackling ever louder about their imminent demise, I quietly siddled down to the back corner of the room, where there's a large cupboard where the doors are ajar. Innocently I lifted my left leg. Then, at precisely 9:30 I kicked back, causing the doors to slam shut with a deafening bang. The desired effect was achieved as 20 teenagers screamed out in mortal terror. Needless to say, this has been my best workday by far this year.

Updates? You want updates?

Here's your stinkin' update, biatches! To make a potentially long and gruesome story short: I've had troubles with the old leg for a few months. Key words are bandages, antibiotics, surgery and pain, not necessarily in that order. Anyhow, I'm doing much better now, although I spend entirely too much of my spare time sitting on my ass with my leg up on a chair. Come to think of it... apart from the chair, not much has changed.

Here are a few pics from my trip to Berlin in early April (the bad leg meant I had to skip the tank driving, and I could go on at length about how effin painful it was to limp around down there, but I'll spare you the details). Berlin is a brilliant city, and I'm definitely going back there some day, when my leg has healed.


From the Egyptian section at Alte Museum, the cat goddess Bastet. Ya'll knows ah lubs kitties, doncha?




A watchtower and sections of the Berlin Wall not far from Potsdammer Platz.

Sauerkraut, here I come

Off to Berlin Thursday-Sunday, together with about 20 colleagues. We'll be visiting a German school Friday morning (hoping to pick up some tips on how to maintain order in the class room... the Germans have a reputation for discipline... let's not go into details...) but the rest of the weekend is purely social.

Saturday a handful of us are booked to drive an old Russian T-55 armored tank, which to me sounds like pure therapy. Maybe we'll just hijack the thing and head for the Polish border and surprise the fuck outta those guys... woo hoo!

Office party

I've said it before - the main reason I'm still teaching is my colleagues. They're a thoroughly fun bunch of people, and it seems the newcomers this year are great too. Friday we had our annual faculty party - ostensibly a "getting to know you" gig for the newly hireds, it is now the social highlight of the fall season. We were almost 30 people this year, and we ate & drank & laughed for hours.

There was also the annual raffle, in which the possibly most clinically insane of us (no, that honor is not mine...yet) raffles out not only the bought and given prizes, but also personal effects he's stolen from our work desks earlier in the day, together with every piece of furniture the host hasn't nailed down or hidden.

Later, as the sissies and the drunkards started to melt away, we turned on some music and in the end there was just half a dozen of us left. Around 2:30 yours truly started to sing... a little Simon & Garfunkel, a little Italian... I'm tellin' ya, I had the newbies swooning... it was 4:30 before I finally got home; tired but happy.

I'll get healthy or die trying

Met with the diabetes nurse at the local hospital last week. It turns out my cholesterol and triglyzerid levels, which were at "nuclear levels" before the summer were now within normal parameters, which came as a huge, but very nice surprise to yours truly. I thought I'd more or less slobbed the summer away, but I must have done something right after all.

Inspired by the good results I've decided to try and become a wee bit more healthy (I can already hear certain people howling with laughter). So I went for hourlong walks in the woods Friday and Monday and today I played floorball again for the first time in a couple of years. 90 minutes of that stuff is the best workout I can imagine, and it's fun too! I had a somewhat difficult start, as I threw myself on the floor (I can hear you laughing again!) to block the first shot that came my way and banged my head hard against the wall. Five minutes on the sidelines with a bag of ice pressed against my empty skull... but after that I was a virtual wall.

I'll keep ya'll updated on my progress... or regress... knowing myself it's a 50-50 at best whether I actually succeed in this (you can stop laughing now, you bastards).

I don't get no respect

By unanimous consent of the teachers assembled I was appointed "office bitch" today and sent out to recycle four full bags of plastic soda bottles. One teacher even tried to kick me as I walked out. And these people are my friends.

Travel report 1

Traveled to Dublin in late March and to England in early April... here are two brief reports, first from Dublin.

I went with 30 colleagues on a Fri-Mon trip to Dublin, and had a blast. Dublin's no London, but it's still a very nice place to visit. Spring had arrived (unlike in Norway at the time), this pic is from a nice little park called St. Stephen's Green. The only thing not so nice was that they had some sort of resident drunk at the entrance, and he seemed to take a particular dislike to me when I stopped to look at the map of the park posted on the other side of the road from his bench. I toyed with the very, very tempting idea of breaking his nose and kicking him comatose, but since I had two colleagues with me, I behaved. Anyways, 'twas a purdy lil' park:




In several streets the houses had very brightly painted doors. According to a tour guide this was an old device meant to help dead drunk inhabitants to find the correct door. A bit tacky, but it also put some color to the city.




We managed to get in some real Irish culture. On Sunday we lunched at the Brazen Head, which claims to be Ireland's oldest pub. They had live music of a very high quality, good ole footstompin', singalong stuff!




We had dinner Sunday at a very good place, the Ryan's pub & restaurant in Parkgate. Great food, though their spelling could improve:




During the dinner I was presented with a gift, as an appreciation of my efforts (I'd organized the whole trip - plane tickets, dinners, lodgings, etc). It may not be apparent from this picture, but this bearded hat is so big it actually rests on my shoulders when I put it on...



I would also like to recommend the hotel we stayed at, the Best Western Ashling. Despite the fire alarm that went off at 5AM Sunday morning, we had a thoroughly enjoyable stay there. On Sunday night (more like early morning) they even opened up the bar area for us to have our private little party in. High Five!

Slow colleagues

When a person has failed to read his work email for three days, I think he should be declared legally dead. Just sayin'.